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The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

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My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

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Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

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When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

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I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

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I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

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If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

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And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

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My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

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I am not young enough to know everything.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

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What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

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A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

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Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

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Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

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And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

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I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Why don't you write books people can read?

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

I am not young enough to know everything.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

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UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

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We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

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Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

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Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

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Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

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It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

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Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

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One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

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There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

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Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

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Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

I hate guns If no guns of everyone,the world maybe well.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

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Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

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There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

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The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

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From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Why don't you write books people can read?

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

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Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

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A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

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The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

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People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

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I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

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Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

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Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

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Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

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Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

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The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

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I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

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A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

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The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

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Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

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War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

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Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

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Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

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I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

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The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

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Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

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We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

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I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

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A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

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Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

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You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

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Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

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Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

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About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

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Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

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To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

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If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

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Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

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The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

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There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

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Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

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We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

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We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

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A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

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Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

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Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

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A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

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Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

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The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

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Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

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Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

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Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

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If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

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I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

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When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

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Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

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Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

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Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

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That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

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We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

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Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

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Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

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Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

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If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

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Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

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If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

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How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

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DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

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