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You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

ypmleqdwzz, http://www.noevatgwkp.com pbffhzzaus

ypmleqdwzz, http://www.noevatgwkp.com pbffhzzaus

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

The truth is more important than the facts.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

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It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

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Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

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The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

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One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

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You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

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Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

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Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

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To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

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If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

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Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

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Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

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Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

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Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

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The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

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To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

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We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

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Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

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Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

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It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

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We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

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The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

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Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

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The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

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Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

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The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

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If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

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Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

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He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

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If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

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Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

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Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

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DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

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If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

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Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

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I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

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The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

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He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

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Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

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In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

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We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

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When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

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To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

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Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

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Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

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Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

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They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

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'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

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Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

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Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

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Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

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Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

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Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

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We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

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2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

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A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

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The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

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Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

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Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

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Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

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Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

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All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

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It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

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I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

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USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

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We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

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A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

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If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

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The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

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The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

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A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

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If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

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Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

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It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

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In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

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There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

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A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

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A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

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For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

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The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

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Aloha!

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

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Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

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Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

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I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

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Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

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They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

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If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

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Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

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Aloha!

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They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

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Aloha!

Aloha!